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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-02-20 05:04:13+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning-Mud9227
Originally posted to r/AITAH
[New Update]: WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Thank you to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 and u/LucyAriaRose for letting me know about the latest update!
Trigger Warnings: homophobia, assault, child abuse
Mood Spoilers: positive
RECAP
Original Post: November 7, 2024
WIBTA to divorce my wife after she said she wanted to send our son to a conversion camp?
So, this is a pretty heavy situation, and Iām really confused and disgusted ngl cause I never thought my wife was like thsi. My wife (44F) and I (45M) have been married for 14 years. We have two kids a 16-year-old son (letās call him Noah) and a 12-year-old daughter. Weāve had our fair share of disagreements over the years ofc, but things have generally been smooth between us.
Now for the context Noah came out as gay about a year ago. It was a surprise, and as hard as it was to accept, I love my kids more than anything and just want their happiness. My wife visibly didnāt take it well tho. She was upset and seemed to go through a grieving period where she didnāt really talk about it. I tried to support Noah in every way I could, telling him that I loved him no matter what etc. My wife, thoughā¦ I could tell she wasnāt on the same page. She would say things like āthis is just a phaseā or āhe needs helpā but I brushed it off as her needing time.
Fast forward to last week, and we were having a conversation about Noahās future. Out of nowhere, my wife casually mentions that sheās been looking into āconversion therapy campsā and thinks it might be the right solution. She said that Noah isnāt truly gay, that he just āhasnāt been shown the right pathā and that this could āfix him.ā My blood ran cold obv I was in shock. I immediately told her I didnāt agree and that this was not something I could support (duh)
She got upset and said I was enabling Noahās āconfusionā and that if I really cared about him, I would help him āget better.ā wtf is wrong with her. She was persistent, and no matter how much I tried to explain that conversion therapy is harmful (like I know those kids get abused, r*ped, and often end up either traumatized or killing themselves) and that I would never send our son to something like that, she wouldnāt back down.
If Iām being 100% honest I donāt even think I love her anymore. The fact she could be so heartless disusts me. I know being gay is not easy and people like her just make it even harder. Iām considering staying, only for our daughterās sake but would it be ok if it means hurting my son? it feels like a betrayal to Noah. I just donāt think I can keep living with someone who thinks this is okay
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
OOP needs to get a divorce soon as possible. His wife is setting their son up for child abuse
OOP: I mean yeah of course I really want to divorce her (we donāt even talk anymore lol) but I know how damn close my daughter is to her mother. But I know at the moment I need to focus on Noah and hopefully my daughter will be wise enough to understand.
Commenter 1: NTA. Please DO NOT send your son to conversion therapy because of your wifeās heartlessness.
OOP: You donāt have to worry about this, I will NOT do this. i love my son just the way he is. I donāt even know how to tell him his mom wants to do that (the kids noticed the tension between us but I havenāt said anything yet)
Commenter 2: Staying for your daughterās sake!!! WTF??? What about your SON!!!
NTA!!! Divorce her and get full custody immediately!!! Of both kids. Tell the judge you fear crazy pants will turn your daughter against your son and raise her to be a bigot like her.
Also, if you get any of her nonsense in writing (get it in text), save it! Donāt tell her youāre going to use it in court. Conversion camps should be illegal. Itās so disgusting.
OOP Youāre absolutely right. Iāll start looking for a good lawyer and cut her out of our life as soon as possible
Ā
Update #1: November 9, 2024 (two days later)
So first of all Iād like to thank everyone here for all the help and advice Iāve gotten under my post and in dms, sorry if I couldnāt answer to everyone there was just too many fucking people lol. So I posted something about my wife wanting to send my son to a conversion camp two days ago. First of all some people told me to show her videos and documentaries about what happens there, but this argument has been ongoing for more than a week now, Iāve showed her things and she wonāt budge.
Really bad update if I can be honest, so letās get into it. All of you told me to try to get him out asap (yall were definitely right) so yesterday I took the day off and went to see an attorney just to get some info about divorce etc. But after what happened Iām 100% sure I want a divorce ASAP.
Yesterday I went to pick Noah at his school and as many of you suggested we had a long discussion. I basically told him his mom and I may be getting a divorce because she wants to send him to a conversion camp but I canāt accept that. Iāve talked with her many times and I told him Iāll probably go through with it. He looked really hurt (my heart broke all over again) but was very understanding and thanked me for standing up for him. I pulled him into a tight hug and told him Iāll always love him no matter what and that nothings his fault.
At that moment he started crying because he was so glad at least I was on his side. And Iām very pissed so sorry if I donāt make sense but apparently his mom had been pressuring him for months. She planned dates with girls to try and āfixā him and he had to lie by saying he was going at a friendās instead. She was saying he needs help and as much as she loves him he needs to get his āconditionā cured (???) etc. I feel so bad because Iāve been so oblivious to all that and Iāve failed to protect him for all that time. How do you make your 16yo son go through that??
So when we got home yesterday I canāt lie I was furious and confronted her right there and then. At first she was trying to explain she was doing it for him but her speech quickly turned to slurs and it was clear she was just ashamed of having a gay son. In the end I told her I went to see an attorney and that learning all that just confirmed that I want a divorce. She got really angry, calling me a delusional disgrace we argued a lot and at some point Noah tried to separate us but my wife punched him multiple times??? She was saying disgusting things like he is a dirty fagg*t and that itās all his fault weāre getting divorced because his filth corrupted me.
My daughter who was prob in her room came to see what all that commotion was about and was rightfully horrified and quickly called 911 when I told her to. Long story short the cops got there and took her away (she was very reluctant to go because she was ānot in the wrongā and they needed to let her go). I explained everything to my daughter and she doesnāt want anything to do with her mom anymore.
Rn Iām in the hospital because my stb ex wife broke my rib while I was restraining her, I shouldāve probably went as soon as the cops took her but idc my son was crying, with a black eye and split lip (they are checking for any concussion) and obviously the only thing I cared about was to comfort him because I canāt even imagine what it can feel like being beaten by your mom for being gay. Iām planning to file for full custody ofc and my kids donāt want to see her ever again anyway. Given all the charges sheās facing I hope she wonāt stand a chance against me. I just sent a mail to my attorney and I hope the procedures will be fast. Iāve also thought of getting CPS involved but Iām not sure they will rly help
Like I cannot understand how you can grown so resentful of your own kid because of something they canāt control. Even I had pretty strong opinions about it, but as a father it is my role to unconditionnally love my kids and so I learnt about the topic and changed my way of seeing the world for him. It took some time grasping it but I never doubted one sec the love I have for my child. I thought it was the same for my wife. Visibly not
Relevant Comments
OOP on his daughterās strength to call for help and get her some therapy if needed
OOP: Thank you very much. Iām so proud of her for doing this, only at 12!
Sheās pretty shaken and confused, but she seems to understand the gravity of her momās actions. Iām so sad she had to be dragged into this mess as well.
OOP on kicking his wife out of the house or moving out somewhere with his kids
OOP: Weāve got a house that is under both our names, and e didnāt have a prenup. People have been teeling me to change the locks and throw her stuff out bā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1itqpoa/new_update_wibta_to_divorce_my_wife_after_she/
Wow better to lose her children then have some semblance of relationship. Pretty sure any conversion camp is a scam.
OOP on kicking his wife out of the house or moving out somewhere with his kids
OOP: Weāve got a house that is under both our names, and e didnāt have a prenup. People have been teeling me to change the locks and throw her stuff out but I just donāt know if I can do that. If I canāt Iāll either go back to my parents with the kids or rent an apartment in the meantime.
Update #2: November 25, 2024 (two weeks later)
So, a little over two weeks ago, I posted about my stb-ex wife putting both my son and me in the hospital because he is gay. First of all, Iād like to thank everyone for the support and advice weāve received. The kind words were overwhelming. To all the trolls saying this is fake, God knows I wish it was. Maybe I didnāt make much sense because I was extremely shaken, so I apologize if thatās the case.
Now, for the update. Itās been difficult ever since, but donāt worry, this is not a bad update. First of all, I was able to get an emergency custody order. Iām very, very relieved because many of you warned me about how people can have their kids forcefully taken by those conversion camps, and Iām relieved that she canāt do that anymore. Iām still overly anxious and only leave my son alone when heās at school. Iāve instructed all the teachers to make sure no one but me approaches him. Thank god my boss has been understanding on the matter. Iāve been granted the exclusive use of our house as well, so Iāve changed the locks and installed security cameras. Many friends and family members (from my side of course) have been visiting often, to give us both emotional support and safety.
Many of you also advised me to document every injury that my son and I sustained (fortunately my son didnāt suffer a concussion) so I took plenty of pictures and gave them to my lawyer, and she has also taken my, my sonās and my daughterās testimony. Given all the charges my wife is facing (child abuse both physically and emotionally/neglect/endangerment, assault and battery, hate crime and domestic violence. Yeah, it doesnāt look very good for her), our lawyer is confident that I will 100% be granted full custody. She also said that itās likely stbeās attorney will recommend that she gives up her parental rights, given the overwhelming evidence against her. Also iā=tās very likely that my son and I -possibly even my daughter if she asks for it- will be granted a restraining order against her.
My lawyer has told me CPS involvement will only strengthen my case, as they are thoroughly investigating everything. While weāre still waiting to get the court date, I am feeling highly confident and relieved for the first time since all that shit happened. Iāve gathered tons of overwhelming evidence against āthe toxinā (thanks to that person who came up with that name). Iāll keep everyone updated, and thank you again for all the advice and support my kids and I have received. I honestly donāt know how I could have gotten through this without all of you. Yāall just saved a family, be proud!
Relevant Comments
OOP on getting therapy for his children and himself
OOP: Weāve already started therapy, both as a group and individually. I know Noah is having a rough time but it seems heāll be alright. Iāll keep supporting him the best way I can.
Commenter 1: Iām so glad youāre feeling more confident now, and itās amazing to see how youāre protecting your kids. Youāve done the right thing by taking action and getting the support you needed. Stay strong for your kids, youāre doing a great job!
Commenter 2: I am so glad that you have legal representation and that she is being dealt with legally and that it looks like itās a slam dunk and I hope that monster gets put away for a long time.
----NEW UPDATE---- Update #3: February 13, 2025 (2.5 months later)
Hi everyone, itās been a while. If you donāt remember me, Iām the dad who posted about his wife wanting to send our son to a conversion camp, which escalated to her attacking us/sending us to the hospital. Itās been a while since the last update, and Iām sorry to have kept all of you hanging like this. I was honestly too focused on protecting my son to think about it. lol. So nowā¦ onto the update. Iāll try to make it fast! Iām exhausted, so I apologize if I donāt make a lot of sense.
First of all, the divorce. The divorce isnāt finalized yet, as my legal team focused on securing custody and protective orders first. Now thatās settled, the divorce proceedings will be moving forward. About the custody, she gave up all her parental rights to both Noah and my daughter, which means I have full custody of both. Also, Noah and I thankfully got a restraining order against her. However, For some reason, the judge decided my daughter didnāt need one since her mother hadnāt physically attacked her??? My lawyer was fuming. As if her actions werenāt self-explanatory. I donāt know what that judge was on, but I sure as hell want it.
About the sentencing. As I said, the toxin gave up her parental rights and agreed to a plea deal -which is how we saw the judge so fast, which I believe significantly reduced her sentence. She was found guilty of assault and battery, child abuse, emotional distress, a hate crime, and domestic violence. She was eventually sentenced to one year and ten months in jail-but she could be released early for good behavior- as well as 100h of community service when she gets out. This is still crazy though, given she literally broke my ribs and beat the shit out of my son, I believe she should be locked up for much longer. We had so much evidence, medical records, testimonies, CPS. At least weāll be away from her for that time. Iām shocked by how fast all this went though, I guess the police doesnāt joke about domestic violence against minors.
Now onto my son, my daughter, and me too. Iāve put the three of us in therapy. My daughter quit within a few weeks, saying she didnāt need it anymore. However, Noah is still attending, both alone and with me. His motherās behavior left deep scars that, of course, canāt be seen but are very much present. And I feel like therapy helps him navigate his own identity and self-acceptance better as well. He begged me to keep this 100% anonymous, which I did, as he is not out yet to most of his friends at school. The few friends who know have been very supportive, though, and there is this boy I think my son likes.
Overall, weāve gotten so much support, and I couldnāt have protected them without all of you. Not only from our friends and family, but mainly from all of you, who gave so much advice, so many reassuring words of love and encouragement. Reddit truly is a wonderful place.
Weāve lost people, of course. As I said, I myself was raised to be homophobic, so, some people from my side of the family cut us off. But most of them still supported us. We lost my wifeāit was truly heartbreaking to see who she really isābut we donāt need that kind of person in our lives. In exchange, weāve got all of you, and we wouldnāt be here without you. Right now, my kids are playing Mario Kart at our home, and who knows what could have happened instead if I did not seek help here? I can never thank you all enough for saving my son. I believe this will be my last update? Surely I will update if my crazy ex reappears, or when my son gets married, but in the meantime, this will be it. Thanks again, so much!
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: Love and light to you, my friend. Iām so sorry that you have to go through this, but you are a freaking rock star for standing up for your kid.
OOP: Iāll always stand up for my kid. Iām so proud of him.
Commenter 2: You protected your son and did the right thing. Iām sorry your daughter wasnāt able to get an order but your ex will be away for a very long time
Commenter 3: Great job Dad! And YOU saved your son. You were the one who did everything to ensure his safety and wellbeing and a happy future. Good luck to you and your kids!
Commenter 4: I remember your original posts, and Iām glad everything mostly worked out for the best (agreed on your ex getting too lenient a sentence but itās almost surely because of the plea deal).
Give yourself, your daughter, and most of all your son a big olā hug from this internet stranger
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