You make me feel insane.
I wasnāt looking for romance. YOU wanted romance. I dared to hope BECAUSE of you. I was fine being single forever, I had accepted it.
And I thought I knew all the ways that a person could hurt me. I didnāt realize that I could do everything right, that the chemistry could be perfect, that almost every second spent in connection could feel amazing (seemingly reciprocally) ā and that someone could still change their mind out of nowhere. And that chemistry is justā¦ dead now? The way I made you feel is justā¦ evaporated? Iāve gone from someone you were openly infatuated by and couldnāt keep your hands off of to an amorphous blob of asexual aromantic friendliness OVERNIGHT? I feel so fucking gaslit, but maybe thatās what actually happened inside your brain. Maybe a switch randomly turned off. Maybe you forced it off.
And I donāt want to hear you expressing gratitude for me awakening a part of you that you thought was dead. Fuck that. Iām so fucking glad that I could bring your sexual attraction out of dormancy so that the next person you date can feel desired and wanted in a way that Iām apparently not.
And I donāt want you to āmake roomā for me to be hurt and confused and frustrated, and to ābe here to listenā. Iām hurt and confused and frustrated, and you donāt get to hear about it. My feelings arenāt safe with you. Maybe, MAYBE, if you could offer an explanation that made any sense, I would feel safer voicing my honest feelings. But you and your āI just feel like you feel better to me as a friend than a partnerā is some bullshit. If itās fear of intimacy like you said earlier, I get that. But I get the feeling youāre going to start dating other people, in which case, itās not fear of intimacy, is it? Itās something you donāt like about me, but didnāt feel free to say at any point. And if you didnāt like something about me, why did you behave the way you did?
Or maybe it is fear of intimacy, maybe that is the real reason. In which case, dating other people is pure recklessness. And are you talking through any of this with your therapist? With anyone? Because, being aware of the problem very clearly doesnāt fix it. And it doesnāt matter how clearly you communicate with the people youāre dating, youāre still being reckless as fuck. Because you and I were dating casually, and even that was too much for you.
And Iām so fucking mad that Iām so fucking mad. I donāt get mad at sweet, kind, lovely people. I rarely feel anger at all. Being angry at a broken person whose biggest crime is not knowing what she wants is hardly a useful endeavor. But I know Iām not really angry, Iām just hurt, all over.
Dating you gave me a vision of a future Iād never dared to hope for. All of a sudden, I had a reason to get my shit together other than for my own survival. And yeah, thatās not great, my own survival should be a bigger and stronger motivator than any person. I should be intrinsically motivated, but I really struggle to be. Thatās the part of me thatās broken. But I was motivated to look good for you, because you already thought that I look good, so I didnāt feel like I was trying to earn your attraction and/or love. I was motivated to land a more secure, sustainable income somehow in this apocalyptic hellscape, because I wanted to be someone a partner could rely on and not worry about.
And I liked being inside my head for the first time in a really long time. Before you, I had to drown out my thoughts and loneliness with YouTube videos and podcasts constantly. I needed to hear someone else talking so I wouldnāt hear myself. Then you happened, and all of a sudden, I didnāt want to hear anyone else talking. I started journaling more than Iād ever journaled before. I started just chilling for hours, listening to music. You inspired poetry. I spent less time on social media. I fucking loved being inside my head in a way I didnāt know was possible.
And now my head is worse than before I met you. Iām not suicidal, and I wonāt be. I donāt want to self-harm, and I wonāt. But I am dead inside. I do fantasize about getting hit by various pieces of heavy machinery, or getting beat up until I pass out. Because thatās how I feel on the inside. Iāve been crying for the past three days. I donāt know how long itās going to take to cauterize this wound so that I can go back to suppressing everything like a normal functioning human, but Iām trying to get there as fast as possible.
And no. I donāt want to go out to queer bars with you so that you can wingman for me. You were it. I didnāt dare venture out to find love before you, and I sure as hell wonāt now. I was already deeply terrified of being hurt. I had already massively been burned by so many unhinged, unwell women Iāve met whenever Iāve briefly thought about dating. And you unlocked an entirely new fear about a factor over which I have zero control. So no thank you, I do plan on dying alone, thanks anyway for the offer.
And stop trying to find āactivitiesā for us to do now that weāre āfriendsā. I have news for you. I still want to get to know my friends, even if Iām not dating them. Friendship isnāt where I find fun things to do with another person to satisfy a shallow desire for social interaction. If we are going to be genuine friends at any point, you have to let me get to know you. You canāt distract me with āactivitiesā. Being friends with me is still going to be uncomfortable as fuck for you, because itās going to feel an awful lot like dating, just without the sexual/romantic connection. But the intimacy? The part that apparently terrified you? Thatās not going anywhere if you choose to keep me in your life.
You need to move on. A clean break is the only way to get past something like this.
And no. I donāt want to go out to queer bars with you so that you can wingman for me.
If we are going to be genuine friends at any point, you have to let me get to know you. You canāt distract me with āactivitiesā. Being friends with me is still going to be uncomfortable as fuck for you, because itās going to feel an awful lot like dating, just without the sexual/romantic connection.
And stop trying to find āactivitiesā for us to do now that weāre āfriendsā.
I donāt know how long itās going to take to cauterize this wound so that I can go back to suppressing everything like a normal functioning human, but Iām trying to get there as fast as possible.
Block her number and move on. It sounds like you had different views going into this, and instead of a slow decay into the incompatible, it was all at once.
Clean Break
I second that. Delete everything. Block every account. The fewer the triggers the faster your brain will move on and start to file this experience away.
Yeahā¦ Iāll probably end up doing that eventually. I am going to give her a little while to see if she can be consistent in her interactions with me and if she appears to be genuinely pursuing a healthy way of relating to people, because she does seem prone to impulsivity and I also suspect that what she just did with me may be a cycle for her, but I donāt have evidence to back that up yet.
But all humans need grace to be flawed & mess up & be inconsistent, and I want to give her some of that grace before I walk away entirely.
Just be sure to take care of yourself, first. From an outsider looking in it seems a little like sheās probably moved on, and that you may be going through the ābargainingā phase of grief.
Ugh. Sounds like a selfish, awful and cowardly person.
But I honestly know how you feel. Been there. I donāt date anymore romantically, unless you count recreational, one-time dates, precisely because of people like this. I decided that the last heartbreak would be THE last heartbreak.
Still, sorry to hear it and Iām sorry you have to experience this.
Thanks, friend. Iām so sorry to hear that you can relate, it really is one of the shittiest feelings.
Idk if you ever watched āHow I Met Your Motherā ā it hasnāt aged well at all, and fuck Neil Patrick Harris, but that episode about Barney Stinsonās villain origin story is feeling really relatable right about now (joking)
Oh yeah.
I decided that the last heartbreak would be THE last heartbreak.
Either this, or anxious attachments. Been there too. It heals, but with experience. People need other people. People need love. People need heartbreaks, because they are the sacrifices we make in order to receive another version of ourselves.
But maybe you have already received one, that you like the most. Not here to educate you, just making a reminder about how constraining your behavior is.
HA.
I am free in a way most people will never know. You couldnāt pay me to allow another person into my space.
I want to believe you, but I donāt. I am sorry
Well friend, thatās a you problem. Have a nice day.
You too
Super raw. Thanks for sharing.
Iāve had a similar experience, spread over a week. Pretty hollowed out, couldnāt eat for a day. Still canāt listen to the album she was playing, during the breakup chat.
Feeling shattered proves you are human, proves you can love. So you are not a compartmentalized automaton, and that is a good place to be. Just may not feel like it right now.
Your writing flows well, I daresay you could pen some high-level, succubus, fanfic right now.
All the best for navigating this. Time really is the healer.
Iām sorry youāre in so much pain. I wasnāt with you, in this relationship. I just wanted to share two thoughts.
Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are entirely different things. And some people want to āfixā people, places, things, animals because they feel incredibly broken and havenāt the skills, tools to fix themselves, or even how to acquire them, or even that they need to work on themselves.
I hope you continue to work through not only this pain, but everything else that led you to where you were before meeting this person, because you are so incredibly worth it. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your healing matters. Best to you.
Thank you for your kind & insightful comment <3
Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are entirely different things.
Yeah, she did break things off after sheād shared a particularly emotionally vulnerable side of herself, so I think itās emotional intimacy that scares her. Which just sucks, because I handled it really well and made her feel better in that moment and feel safe and cared for and I thought Iād aced the āemotional intimacyā test, so to speak.
And some people want to āfixā people, places, things, animals because they feel incredibly broken and havenāt the skills, tools to fix themselves, or even how to acquire them, or even that they need to work on themselves.
Yeah, I think I see this in her too, because she was fine talking about my hardships in life, but was pretty closed off about her own.
I hope you continue to work through not only this pain, but everything else that led you to where you were before meeting this person, because you are so incredibly worth it. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your healing matters. Best to you.
Thanks again, you seem like a really cool human š«
You are so welcome, and thank you, too. FWIW, itās born of some of my own extremely painful experiences.
You may find an inexpensive notebook from a dollar store and comfortable gel pen a priceless investment. Something about handwriting it out just feels different, and you can always burn it, later. ;-) Either way, please come back in a month or few and let us know how youāre doing. May the universe smile on you, for your efforts. š«ā¤ļø
Pitseleh - Elliott Smith
wow, super problematic
I just hope that you are currently experiencing psychosis and this is temporary. That everything will be good with you.
But if itās not a psychosisā¦ IDK, grow fuckin up, bro!
Would you mind explaining which part is āproblematicā or gives the impression of āpsychosisā?
Sorry if I look too aggressive. Iāve been writing such letters and Iāve been in this state. I hate it so much, but Iām here with you.
The person you are describing hasnāt done anything bad to you, as far as I can tell. They just have chosen themselves over you. You have nothing to do with it, you couldnāt change, you couldnāt do something differently or say something else.
But it seems that you victimize yourself for having spent a seemingly great period of your life together with this person. You cry like a baby: more, more, more. And when you donāt get what you want, the frustration kicks in and you just say that you donāt want it anyway.
Regulating this kind of emotional state is a basic adult skill. You have an opportunity to learn it. If you want, I can share what worked with me.
What a disgustingly insensitive comment to somebody who is working through pain that you donāt feelā¦
Itās really difficult to deal with these kinds of emotions.
Of course itās not rational, but donāt pretend that you can just be rational and be done with it.
The person you are describing hasnāt done anything bad to you, as far as I can tell. They just have chosen themselves over you. You have nothing to do with it, you couldnāt change, you couldnāt do something differently or say something else.
Yeah, if you read my entire post, I said all of that. I agree with you.
But it seems that you victimize yourself
Feeling and expressing emotional pain is not the same as victimizing oneself. Heartbreak is a normal response to being broken up with.
you cry like a baby
Crying is a healthy response to emotional pain
you just say that you donāt want it anyway
Where did I say that?
Regulating this kind of emotional state is a basic adult skill.
Yes, and writing out your honest, unfiltered feelings and thoughts is part of emotional regulation. Any mental health expert will affirm that what I have posted is a tool used to try to manage my emotions in a healthy manner.
Cannot argue with that, nor want to. Have a healthy recovery
Fuck you, this person is working through grief.
