Woah, I had never considered that. To think, all these years I was on the side of “initial index is 1.” I’ve unknowingly been using “initial index is 0,” since I started using numbers.

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Your childhood sounded very difficult. I’m sorry you experienced that.

Have you explored what issues contributed to your family’s behavior? E.g., intergenerational trauma, inherited mental health issues, etc. Knowing won’t suddenly fix everything, but can help you feel better by adjusting your life.

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Are you able to speak with a therapist? Do those big feelings seem to appear randomly or due to consistent behavioral triggers?

Do you have any specific trauma from family or bullies? If so, you should look into a “trauma -informed” therapist.

Note: If this is your first time meeting with a therapist, know that it’s a match-making process. Before jumping into your personal history, determine if you and the therapist can communicate well, and you feel comfortable to communicate.

A good therapist will likely not tell you, “here’s what’s wrong with you. Go sort it out.” The goal will be to understand how your brain and body respond to your environment. It’s a learning process.

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