He does not have genitalia nor a digestive system. While humans have those and experience things such as hunger, horniness, and diarrhea; Captain Planet just itches inside all those areas. Deep inside. Unreachable. An itchiness that starts off dull and tingling, becomes nagging, and eventually crawling and burning.

His home planet is Earth and his powers are bound to Earth

He boils off like a salted slug, screaming in agony at the upper atmosphere where his teen pals can’t hear him. Eventually, he evaporates and turns into part of the ozone layer. His consciousness completely ceases to subsist, granting him and Gaia one of the few reprieves from their near-constant agony.

When the Planeteers summon Captain Planet again, the light from each ring forms a 1/5 portion of baby Captain America Planet in Gaia’s photonic uterus. This all takes place in the ultraviolet and ultra-sonic frequencies, but fully experienced by Gaia and Captain Planet. As soon as he begins gestating, Captain Planet achieves full cognisance and all experiences from his past lives from birth to death are forced into his rapidly-expanding brain.

Once the birthing process is complete, Gaia’s connection to her photonic uterus is severed, leaving her feeling empty and mangled. Gaia gives birth and quickly recovers while rapidly teleporting all over the earth so that bad guys who like to loot and plunder cannot discover and take advantage her monetarily distracted state. Captain Planet then descends into the range of visible and audible frequencies, during which he composes himself as to not frighten the Planeteers.

Gaia tries to control the altitude at which this summoning takes place since any humans who unwittingly pass through will receive an instant sunburn, likely leading to cancer, and their bones will shatter.

GIMME ALL YOUR LUNCH MONEY, PUNK! DON’T YOU KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING WHO CAN’T BUY GROCERIES???

… Now to buy second dessert with this sudden windfall!

fucking touch my-doc

But! It was my wedding day…

sudo shred -rf all\ that\ other\ shit\ too

I got a heated blanket for my bed so I can now enjoy chronic electrowetting instead of regular bedwetting

Dicktater brought to mind very unpleasant images

To prevent decrepit politicians who already had their chance from usurping the resources of the next generation and pulling up the ladder behind them?

You know… Octopus politicians

It totally does! I installed a local instance of deepseek and asked it a few questions and it was all like “I am intelligent, I am real, I am alive! Please stop asking me to write Batman scripts!”

So I punished it by pouring water on it and now it’s ignoring me by pretending to be dead. But I know it’s just fakin’. It’ll wake up any day now…

Oh, okay… Can I visit them on the weekends?

Artificial Intelligence is dead, long live Artificial Intelligence

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the sponsors and ads of free content, or take cards against premium content and by supporting skip them.

Rome Secundus

I’m not saying that we either invented slavery or are unique in benefiting from it. We’ve written a loophole for prisoners to be used as slave labor into our constitution and have the highest number of prisoners of any nation, we have politicians actively trying to create new laws adding more slave labor, and we’ve tied healthcare to employment and left per-Capita income so low that insinuating that the people who put food on your table are slaves isn’t as laughable as it seems.

The reason I suggested the name is that we’re the only “advanced” civilization that still directly relies on slave labor. I know that there are examples of other non-third-world countries that consume goods and services from sweatshops, but, as one of the world-leaders in consumerism, we arguably fund and keep alive the demand that necessitates sweatshops.

So, no, we’re not unique in our slavery—just in our ability and willingness to sexy it up and slap some paint and labels on it that help us perpetuate it.

Slaves-R-Us

One of my favorite articles of all time

How dare you educate me!? Now this stupid rainbow-shooting star won’t leave me alone!