This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-01-17 05:02:09+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Situation_9708
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Previous BoRUs: 1
[New Update]: AITAH for telling my girlfriend I canāt trust her anymore when it comes to her wanting a baby?
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Thanks to u/soayherder, u/queenlegolas, & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, mentions of miscarriage and abortions, institutionalization, self-injurious behavior
RECAP
Original Post: December 1, 2024
I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend (26F) for 4 years. She has told me she always wanted children. We just didnāt actively try for one though. I never pressured her into having a baby, it was more so her idea. I make enough and we own a home so having a baby is something we can do.
So, to clarify, Iām not mad at her for this. Iām extremely concerned and I feel like everything she has said about her wanting a baby was a lie. Abortion is also legal up to 21 weeks of pregnancy in our state.
So she told me she was pregnant, she was having symptoms and took a test. She was happy about it and excited. I was happy as well and offered to make an appointment for her. We both went together and she was 6 weeks pregnant. We have been planning, she even told her friends and family.
She ended up having a miscarriage at around 9 weeks. It was sudden and she was upset and I comforted her about it. It seemed very tough for her so I did my best to try and make her feel better.
I had to retrieve something from a drawer in our bedroom and I found some herbs covered under a bag. It was pennyroyal and mugwort. I was confused because I have heard of pennyroyal being used to cause self abortions. I asked her about it and she immediately became defensive and told me that she didnāt know where it came from. I kept trying to ask her about it and she ended up telling me she used it to have a miscarriage. She was crying and I was just in shock.
I ask her why? I told her she didnāt have to lie to me about it and Iām confused because she was the one who really wanted a baby? She didnāt give me an answer about it, I told her that we need to go to the hospital to make sure she isnāt hurt, since pennyroyal is toxic but she kept declining.
Itās been a few days and she seems fine. Iāve been trying to ask her about this but she just says she doesnāt want to talk about it. Apparently, she was telling her friends and family she had a miscarriage and has been accepting condolences. Sheās avoiding this but I donāt want to push it towards her anymore. Iām not too sure what to do about this because Iām worried she might be having some type of mental breakdown or something. I eventually told her that she should not tell me about having a baby again, and I canāt trust her about it anymore. She was upset hearing that but what else could I say about something like this? This might make me a huge asshole, but in the back of my mind has been thinking she might have did this for attention from her friends and family? Idk what to do and I feel like a horrible person for even thinking this stuff.
EDIT - Iām thankful for all the info on the herbs and all of the advice. I canāt comment for a few hours because Iām going to not be on Reddit but I am going to talk to her tonight, and tomorrow or whenever everything has calmed down I will make an update.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: NTA. Speaking as a professional herbalist, pennyroyal in particular can indeed cause damage to the liver or kidneys, depending on the quantity and potency of how much she consumed.
Mugwort is less toxic, but has been known to cause miscarriage as it affects hormone levels significantly.
I highly suggest getting a checkup and mentioning ingesting those herbs and how much.
That said, this is a relationship ending decision. While your partner has every right to decide to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, she lied to you, concealed her decision to use a DIY (and dangerous) abortifacient, and then accepted condolences for her miscarriage that she probably caused.
This indicates a level of mental health problem that is not safe for any future family plans, let alone the loss of trust for having deceived you to such a degree over such an important life changing event.
She needs therapy, and you need to leave this relationship, or choose to never have children.
If she decided at a later time in the pregnancy to take herbs like this, thereās a serious risk to both her and a possible child. Just because something is ānaturalā doesnāt make it safe.
Hemlock is natural. Cyanide is natural.
I can name twenty plants that could kill you or make you wish it had - thatās why you need to talk to a qualified herbalist before making up a āpotionā.
Seriously, you need to leave this relationship. Itās not safe, and she canāt be trusted.
OOP: Thank you for this. She wonāt even tell me how much pennyroyal she taken but she did tell me she drank around 8 strong cups of mug wort. Iām guessing sheās worried Iād call an ambulance on her or force her to go to the hospital if she told me how much penny royal she taken? I didnāt see fully how much pennyroyal is left since I didnāt get a close look, Iām going to have to recheck in the drawer. I really donāt know why she wonāt tell me. Youāre right. I think I need to end this relationship, but it might be a mess. Iām going to talk to her tonight whenever Iām not busy
OOPās girlfriend needs to get in therapy because the changes in her behaviors are to be concerned about
OOP: Youāre right she needs therapy bad after this but since I canāt even have her go to the hospital Iām not sure how I can even convince her to see a therapist. Iām going to talk to her tonight and im taking some of these comments advice to see what I can do about this
Commenter 2: I can see two possible reasons why she would do this and act this way after:
-she realised after getting pregnant that she isnāt ready to be a mother (most probable one);
-the baby wasnāt yours (much lower on the probability scale)
OOP: I didnāt even think about the second choice. For the top choice I also get, but Iām shocked she wouldnāt get a medical abortion instead? Sheās going to have to deal with the negative side effects of the herbs she taken. She knows Iām pro choice because Iām vocal about it so Iām shocked she didnāt come to me to see if Iād either come with her or she would go herself. We even have a planned parenthood near us
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Update: December 2, 2024 (next day)
Firstly, for some context, we have a planned parenthood that specializes in abortions like 5 minutes away. I understand people thinking she didnāt want to get an abortion because of protesters. I completely understand. I drive by that specific place every single day for work. I have seen no protesters. Itās usually empty besides a few cars on the side of the side of the road. But, I still understand why she wouldnāt want a medical abortion from reading the comments.
I asked her why, what was her goal here. She was trying really hard to avoid the conversation and left the room but (I apologize if this makes me an asshole) but I told her if we canāt have a conversation about this I have to end the relationship. She came back in and said the reason why she did this was because she never felt like her family gave her enough attention in life, and didnāt feel supported by them so she wanted to tell them she had a miscarriage so they can feel bad for her.
I was confused because she couldāve just gotten a medical abortion and lied about it instead of just harming her body with a toxic herb. I asked her about that, and she told me she wanted to have the experience of having an actual miscarriage. I was so confused and in shock so I didnāt say much else because all of this just sounded crazy to me. She told me she didnāt want me mad at her and she doesnāt want to break up and she was literally begging me to not break up with her.
I asked her, is there any chance the baby wouldnāt have been mine? She said no.
I told her she needs to get therapy ASAP. I thankfully make enough to afford therapy and I told her I will pay for her if she just please go to therapy. She agreed. I also told her she needs to go to the hospital and I was telling her all of your comments about the septic that can happen and liver and kidney damage and that kinda scared her into going to the hospital to get checked out.
We went to the hospital last night and thankfully she is ok. Apparently she drank around 1 cup of it a day for a few days. I found out she was also taking some other things (high dose of vitamin c, turmeric, parsley). Thatās pretty much it for now, but Iām not too sure where to go from here. I love her and I do want to be with her but all of this is so out of the blue. Thanks for all of the comments on the last post. If anything else happens Iāll make another update.
**Relevant Comā¦
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Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: She sounds like she has some serious mental health issues like others have said. If you choose to stay then I would be cautious moving forward having kids with her. Sheās willing to cause herself self-harm for the sake of attention. There is no telling what she would do if you guys have already had the child. Iāve seen mothers fake there childās illness for attention before. She comes off as deeply troubled and manipulative. I donāt think she wants to hurt anyone out of malice but itās still very concerning. If you stay, therapy is a must.
OOP: Thank you. Yeah the idea of having a baby is well off the table now. Iām not too sure where Iām going to go with this but Iām heavily thinking about leaving the relationship after reading the comments. Iām just worried about her possibly harming herself if I do break up with her
Final Update: December 4, 2024 (two days later)
A lot has happened from my last post and now everything is calmer now, Iām hoping this will be my last update. Apologies since this is going to be long.
In my last post I told her she needed to go to therapy asap, told her I will pay and everything. I just hoped for the love of fucking god to just for her to please go to therapy. That was the only thing I wanted.
I havenāt set up anything yet, because she told me she doesnāt want to go to therapy now. She told me she will never do what she did again and doesnāt believe she needs therapy. I was going back and forth with her on this but she was very insistent on not wanting any therapy.
I told her I canāt move on in this relationship if she doesnāt do therapy. She was arguing with me about it and told me if I loved her, I will stay in this relationship regardless and it wasnāt even āthat big of a dealā. I was pretty pissed hearing that because not only did she purposely miscarried the baby we planned for, she harmed herself for no reason (in her words, to experience a actual miscarriage), and I canāt even trust her anymore.
I was thinking about telling her parents at this point and I accidentally brought it up out of worry of her mental health/me being pissed off and she begged me, got on the ground begged me to not tell her parents. I took her word, because I didnāt want her to lose her mind even more over this. I told her I absolutely have to leave this relationship. I told her it isnāt my responsibility anymore because this has honestly been making me lose my mind too. I was holding it back but I canāt really take it anymore.
Also yesterday, before this fight, she publicly stated on Facebook that she had a miscarriage and was tore up about it, accepting condolences again in the comments. I brought that up to her, and she told me the same thing in my last post, she was pretty much just wanting to feel important to friends/family. She was so nonchalant about it and honestly seemed like she thought Iād think I wouldnāt care? I told her to stop posting about it and to stop telling people.
Back to when we were having the fight, I told her seriously I canāt be with her anymore. I will allow you to stay here or you can go back to your parents. She was laying on the ground crying at this point. I had my phone ready because my gut feeling was telling me that she might do something to herself.
She would come out of the room she was packing in and come close to me and hug me out of nowhere, she said that if Iām breaking up with her she wants a last final hug. The wildest thing is she came out of the room with one of my shirts on, a shirt she was not wearing before, take it off right in front of me, and tells me hereās your shirt back. I donāt know what she was trying to do.
She finally end up leaving and went to her parents. Right before she left she was crying and I think it started to hit her that I was actually being serious. She was messaging me and calling me constantly, ranging from her just fixing this together, saying she wants therapy now, and her saying she will never do what she did again. Iāve been ignoring all of it. I realize this is not my responsibility now, and her parents can take care of it.
Like what my worry has been, apparently, she did try to harm herself. Her mom messaged me about it. She said that her daughter is at the hospital and Iām assuming now on a hold because she tried to kill herself. She is physically fine.
That is the last of it, and Iām thinking this will be my last update. I am not going back to her, and Iām going to try and stop thinking about all of this. And get a good lock for my door. Thanks for all of the advice on the last post
Edit - I am telling her parents now. If anything happens I will just update it here
Edit 2 - I ended up telling her parents. I had messages relating to this between me and her, took photos of the herbs she used, told them everything. Thankfully, they didnāt accuse me or do anything drastic and thanked me for telling them, they said they will tell the hospital what I told them. Not too sure whatās going on at the moment or whatās going to happen after since she is being held right now. I will update this if anything else happens
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Iām glad you pulled yourself out of the relationship, because she is not healthy, mentally. I do suggest talking to her parents to make sure they get her some real help. Her actions were really messed up.
OOP: Iām thinking about telling her parents very soon. I didnāt before because I didnāt know if it wouldāve been a good idea since theyāre the pro life type. I understand sheās not my responsibility anymore but I donāt want someone that is going through a mental break go through even more.
Commenter 2:* Youāre not the asshole. It sounds like youāve been carrying the weight of a situation far beyond what most people could handle, and you did your best to set healthy boundaries while ensuring her safety by informing her parents. Her refusal to seek therapy, manipulative behavior, and the way she handled the miscarriage (both physically and emotionally) show serious red flags that youāre right to step away from.
Her mental health is not your responsibility, especially when she refuses help. Youāve done the right thing by involving her parents, and now you need to focus on your own well-being. Stay firm in your decision, and donāt let guilt pull you back into a situation thatās unhealthy for both of you.
----NEW UPDATE---- Final Update: January 10, 2025
Other posts are on my profile
Itās been over a month since this happened and things thankfully havenāt been crazy. I was in shock pretty bad during this and it started to hit me so Iāve been seeing a therapist about it.
As for my ex, her mom has been updating me on her, mostly because how concerned I was for her. I was honestly thinking about blocking her entire family because I wanted to separate myself totally from all and never think about her again but I decided to keep her mom on my phone for updates at the time.
She was in a psych ward for 2 weeks. While I havenāt been told a specific diagnosis, she was apparently in psychosis. Her mom has told me she is taking medication and is doing better.
The fucked up thing is that her mom has been recently trying to get me to get back together with her. Saying her daughter will be a lot happier if I go back to her. I straight up blocked her. I do not want to experience that again even if she is getting counseling and is on medication. Fuck no. I donāt know why her mom is doing that, maybe my ex is giving her a hard time over this? I donāt know.
Other than that itās been calm. Iāve came to the realization that Iām a lot happier without her in my life and I want it to stay that way. Iām going to stay single for the time being and just stick with myself. Thanks for all of the advice on my other posts.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: Good on you OP. Glad everything has settled down for you. Keep doing the best for yourself. Even if you did get back with your ex, it wouldnāt have been in either of your best interests, as both of you are struggling mentally, and she killed YOUR future with her by forcing a miscarriage. Good luck OP, and maybe look into adoption if youāre still wanting a child. Thereās a lot of kids needing parents out there. Best to you.
Commenter 2: The motherās only priority is her daughter. She knows that if you forgive her, your ex wonāt have to spend a lot of time processing the true depths of what she did, because she wonāt have as many consequences to deal with, which could help to stabilise her faster. It would also lessen the burden that the mother has to deal with if you step back in to help care for her.
Neither of those reasons are fair to you, but they are understandable. Blocking her is the right choice. She doesnāt have you best interests in her mind, only hers and her daughterās. You can hope that your ex is well, but itās not your responsibility to ensure it at all. Good luck moving on from this mess.
Commenter 3: Man real proud of you, you handled an awful terrible unspeakable betrayal so well. Please take care of yourself, reach out to friends & family donāt be alone too much. Eat good, gym time.
ā¦ And this is how I became a repost bot!
