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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Low_Resolve9379 on 2025-02-20 13:39:59+00:00.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/CommunicationOwn884 in r/family

trigger warning: struggles with depression

mood spoilers: optimistic

Ā 

At the end of my tether with adult child - February 7, 2024

My son is 23 years old, recently graduated with a Mechanical Engineering honors degree and no college debt. He doesnā€™t want to do anything. Heā€™s got a job in a bike shop for 2 days a week, and doesnā€™t work more than that. He just wants to go to the gym, and sit on his computer and phone. He has two younger siblings who have drive and direction, but he says nothing motivates him. For years I thought he was depressed, and he has in the past been on antidepressants and had therapy. His last recent bout with a therapist ended after 20+ sessions and he told me they canā€™t figure out why heā€™s the way he is. Out of desperation, I talked to the therapist who told me he didnā€™t think my son was depressed, but things are hard for young men now and he needs time. He has been tested for ADHD, and is on medication for that - when he can be bothered to collect the prescription. He doesnā€™t believe he has ADHD btw.

He has burned his bridges with friends and is burning his bridges with us. He makes his own meals and takes them to his room to eat, despite being told that he has to be a part of the family if heā€™s here. We charge him rent, but made the mistake of telling him we were saving it for him when he moves out. From this month I am deducting money for bills and food. He is rude to his siblings, doesnā€™t help out around the house, and doesnā€™t do anything at all to contribute to the family. I want to give my son purpose, and weā€™ve tried everything - and I mean everything. I have spent countless hours talking to him, asking him how I can help him. He doesnā€™t know. Iā€™ve suggested he take a year out doing volunteer work, or traveling abroad for a year, or working a shitty job until he figures out what comes next. He wanted to move to California (where we used to live) and live in San Francisco until he realised he couldnā€™t financially. I canā€™t bear the thought of kicking him out, but I see no other option. I feel that we are being held emotional hostages, and the stress of it is unbearable. I am so upset that one of my children is like this. I feel in equal parts responsible and resentful. I am terrified that if we kick him out at the end of the month he will end his life, sleep on the street or never talk to us again, but I am at the point where something needs to happen. It is ruining my life, my marriage and my relationship with my other children. We have given him (another) deadline of the end of the month, but I am struggling to make it that far.

Ā 

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So simple. Without the computer he has nothing to do and boredom will motivate him. Itā€™s got to go. Not allowed in the house. Give him a week to wind up and notify any gaming friends. Then it gets removed. Period. You are done. He can have it back if he moves out.

OOP: I removed his laptop and phone a week ago. He can no longer use them in the house. We thought he had a gaming addiction - anything that makes more sense than someone who wants to do nothing - but his behavior since the removal has shown me he doesnā€™t have a gaming addiction. He has been more present; he watches TV with us in the evening, and he goes to a coffee shop to use his devices, but heā€™s only ever out for 2 hours, and he hasnā€™t applied to any jobs yet.

Commenter 1: It takes time. Especially with boys sometimes. I hope he gets inspired.

Commenter 2: Iā€™m in the same position I feel. I did what people told me to do. Admit I need help. Iā€™ve been unmotivated for years. I sit in my room constantly. I only work 3 days a week bare minimum. Shit. I didnā€™t even graduate high school. I admitted to my doctor I needed help. I was constantly feeling terrible about myself. No purpose. In my case. I feel like Iā€™ve let my family down. I feel like I donā€™t fit in with my family. They tried talking to me about it. All in all just victimizing me basically. Just asking me dumb questions like why am I depressed. I donā€™t know. Part of it is purpose. Nobody needs me. If I disappeared today sure people might be sad. But nobody needs me.

This might not be what your sonā€™s going through but I thought it might help to get a perspective from someone in a similar situation as him. But to be honest heā€™s doing way better than me. Iā€™m 23 as well. Living at home.

OOP: Hi there and thank you so much for responding, itā€™s really helpful. You sound very much like my son. I have no idea how to motivate him, and weā€™re down to the wire. Perhaps having to put a roof over his head will be the motivation he needs, although when we talk to him about that, he says he doesnā€™t care and heā€™ll be homeless. Itā€™s hard to know if heā€™s serious or being immature. He has never made any real decisions his whole life, and for one reason and another, we made some for him. We shouldnā€™t have; we should have let him fail earlier on, but his dad couldnā€™t do it. Now, my son doesnā€™t know how to make decisions and has spent so long alone in his bedroom that he doesnā€™t really know how to operate in the real world. This is why Iā€™m worried about kicking him out, but if we leave things the way they are, he could still be living at home at age 30 ,40, and he isnā€™t nice to live with, so it is not something Iā€™m prepared to do.

Commenter 2: Yeah. In my case. I know Iā€™m down shits creak right now. And it hasnā€™t gotten better for a couple years now. Thereā€™s so many things I want to do to improve but honestly I donā€™t know where to start. Or what to do. So I just end up doing nothing. Going to the gym was one thing I started doing recently to try and give myself some drive. Something I have to go do. And keep doing. If heā€™s at least gyming consistently maybe heā€™s trying to find something no matter how little. To try and be responsible doing. To decide to do something and stick with it offers some gratification. But I have a hard time sticking with anything lately. I spent most of my time as a child alone. So now, being alone is the only time I feel safe. Itā€™s the only time I can guarantee my environment. Like I said. This might be entirely different from your son. But. These have been my little steps to try and. Improve myself first. If my family kicked me out now. Iā€™d feel even more rejected. Just trying to figure out where I should start honestly. Hope maybe some of this is similar to him.

OOP: Is it that the tasks (like making friends, getting a job, moving out) seem too big? I think this is part of the problem for my son. My son goes to the gym 6 times a week. He gets up at 5:30 each morning to be at the gym by 6, and he works out for 90 minutes each day. Then he comes home and makes his vegan breakfast. Then he showers for an hour. Then he has a snooze. Then, on a good day, he might go to a coffee shop for 2 hours, but thatā€™s only because I wonā€™t let him use his devices at home anymore. (This is my attempt to get him out into the real world.) Then heā€™ll come home and rest. Then heā€™ll maybe watch TV, or be alone in his room, andā€¦well, you get the picture. Most people behave this way on their vacation days, not 5 days a week. He works 2 days in a store, and he really enjoys it, but they have no more hours for him, and he wonā€™t/canā€™t be bothered to get a job elsewhere. Stick with the gym. Maybe you could try heading to a coffee shop too. But take your damn headphones off - youā€™re shutting the world out ;)

Commenter 3: It sounds like youā€™re treating him like a child. Time for you to come to grips with the fact that (a) you have provided for your kids and (b) now he has to.

First, serve him with official notice, like a tenant, that he is being asked to leave. Give him 90 days notice. He needs to find somewhere else to live. It is not your job to help him do this. It is your job to follow through on the threat.

If he does not (and I donā€™t think he will) then you wait until he leaves the house, change the locks and box up all his stuff. Let him have his phone. If you pay for the plan, then there should be notice to him in the original letter than youi will stop on X date.

If you pay for his car, take the keys. Sell it. Or give it to one of his siblings. Or give it to him. he can live in it.

He might end up camping out in your yard in order to get the internet. If he does, then when he is gone throw out his camping gear. Call social services and refer him to a shelter.

The kid is too comfortable and you are hovering over him wringing your hands and wondering what can you do. What you can do is force him to take care of himself or find someone else who will.

OOP: We donā€™t pay for anything of his (havenā€™t since he left uni) and he never learned to drive. 90 days is too long, and itā€™s a) pointless because he wonā€™t make any progress in those 90 days and b) I am too close to breaking point and need to look after myself.

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[Update](https://reddit.com/r/family/comments/1aky3ez/at_the_end_of_mā€¦

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ityp8n/at_the_end_of_my_tether_with_adult_child/

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    2Ā·
    1 day ago

    Update (same thread) - May 14, 2024

    OP here, thought Iā€™d provide an update. I really stuck to my guns over the lap top and phone usage, and after a week or so of sulking (or adjusting, still not sure), my son decided to go on anti depressants. At the same time, he started to experience more of the world just by hanging around us more. My husband made him go into the office with him every single day to look for a job. My son did the bare minimum, but eventually my husband found him a job that looked interesting and he applied and got the job! Itā€™s just a job, not a career path, but it has changed our worlds. My son now works full time AND has kept his old weekend job. He now works about 10 days in a row, then gets a day off. By choice! With his first paycheck last month, he bought some new clothes (the first in several years) and some accessories for his bike. He is now planning on what to do with his next paycheck. He is also making friends at his new job, and goes biking with the guys after work. Heā€™s found his passion for biking again. I cannot stress enough the utter relief we feel. I can now sleep at night, and I no longer worry about him. Sure, he needs to figure out a longer term plan but for now we can sit back and watch him discover the world again, and that itā€™s actually quite a nice place.

    How to get my child moving in life? - July 20, 2024

    Parent of a child in a similar situation until I took action. My husband took the same stance as you, that nothing much could be done. We disagreed to the point of real marital stress. I had an epiphany and waited until he left for a business trip then tackled the problem. My house, my rules. I removed my sons computer, phone, and all other devices and stored them offsite. 23 year old threw a fit and stayed in bed for 3 days, didnā€™t move. I checked on him to make sure he was alive, took him coffee and food, talked calmly. After day 3 he got out of bed, sulked, went back to bed again. This time I did nothing. No food, no water, no conversation. He stayed in bed in a dark room and wallowed. I of course was worried and checked for movement but no more than that. After a few more days he got out of bed and said he didnā€™t want to live like this anymore, agreed he needed a change, agreed he needed antidepressants, and started hanging out with the family. I gave him his phone ONLY when he left the house. Want access to the internet? Go and get it, I will not provide it. That was in January of this year. By March he was several weeks into antidepressants, he was regaining a relationship with his siblings, he was no longer as angry, and he had a job. Full disclosure, my husband found the job, pretty applied for the job for our son, but my son got the job. Heā€™s been working ever since, has made friends, goes cycling. Our lives have all changed because of it.

    You CAN do more. You can give her purpose. Stop facilitating her lifestyle. Take away her internet access. It could be the motivation she needs.

    Good luck - I know its hard.

    Update (same thread) - February 13, 2025

    OP here again. I want to provide an update for any parents in the same boat who stumble upon this thread. Itā€™s been a year since my original post, and our lives have changed unrecognisably for the better. After my son started work, his confidence grew and his self-esteem improved. He had purpose. Over the last year we kept revisiting the move, and sometimes things got heated, but we stuck to our guns until we gave him a hard deadline. The deadline came and we made him leave the house. It was so hard, we didnā€™t sleep for two days, and my husband caved and asked him to come back. The shock of us making him move into a hotel had the desired effect. It took several more months and lots of reminding, but he eventually found a place on his own and moved out last month into his own place. He is now living independently just a few minutes from his work and is loving it. He enjoys earning money and paying his own way. He has experienced buying a washing machine, learned how to plumb it in, and understands that sometimes you have to take a day off work to accept deliveries. He is learning that no-one is going to unpack the boxes but himself and that if he wants food, he has to go and buy it, even if heā€™s tired. We offer our help and have of course helped a lot, but we havenā€™t picked up any pieces. This is all on him. And best of all? Our relationship is getting back on track. He comes over every Sunday for dinner, hangs out, and catches us up with his news. He is feeling so good about himself and loves standing on his own two feet.

    Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.