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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/secure-raspberry-763 on 2025-02-20 19:43:01+00:00.

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I am not OP. That is u/ThrowRA_GoonerDude who posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post Feb 6th, 2025

I M30 recently married the love of my life F28, and I’m super close with my brother M35. We always imagined our families being close too—until one single lunch ruined everything.

So, my wife and I went out to eat with my brother and my SIL F31, who is pregnant and about to give birth to my first nephew. Needless to say, we are all very excited. Mid-meal, my brother—probably feeling sentimental—goes, “Man, I hope the baby turns out like [me]. He was such a cute kid.”

Now, a bit about my SIL. She’s usually nice and I like her but she’s definitely Type A and a bit high-maintenance. Without missing a beat, she shuts my brother down:

“Nooo, I’d much rather he turns out like you.”

A bit of an awkward comment and my brother probably thought so as well, so he goes, “No seriously, we’d be lucky if the kid was like [me]. He was such a nice and cute kid".

And then, SIL doubles down: “No, but you’re so much more handsome,” before turning to look directly at me and adding: “No offense.”

Now, look. I wasn’t deeply offended—my brother is a very good looking guy, so I get it. But who just says that out loud? My wife, who had been quiet up to this point, clearly found it rude. So she jokingly goes, “Well, as long as the baby doesn’t look like [SIL], we should be fine.”

I chuckled. My brother laughed. SIL did NOT laugh.

She immediately got pissed, glared at my wife, and went, “What the hell does that mean? That’s extremely rude! We’re not close enough for jokes like that.” My wife was taken aback and so was I. My brother tried to say something but she stormed out. My brother followed her, looking about as confused as I felt.

Fast forward to today—SIL has officially disinvited my wife from the baby shower/ celebration. My wife says she doesn’t even want to go, which, fair enough. My brother is devastated and really wants me to be there.

Now, here’s the thing—my brother adores me. He’s always been my biggest supporter, and he wants me to be a big part of my nephew’s life. He’s having his first child, and this moment is really important to him. I love my brother too and can’t see him sad like that.

He says both my wife and SIL need to apologize eventually, but we shouldn’t force it right now and give them some time to cool off. He also thinks SIL owes me an apology for what she said—but again, pregnancy hormones or whatever, so he doesn’t want to push it yet.

My parents actually side with my wife and think SIL was out of line first. But they also believe I shouldn’t miss such a huge moment in my brother’s life, and that we should cut SIL some slack because of her pregnancy.

Here’s my issue: I don’t feel right going if my wife isn’t welcome. I want to support her, but I also know this moment means the world to my brother. If I go, my wife might feel abandoned. If I don’t, my brother will be heartbroken. I feel completely stuck.

Added Comments

commenter

What does your wife think ? does she want you to go? me personally, i would ask my husband to go because i wouldn’t want to rob him of that opportunity with his own brother especially if i didn’t even care to attend said baby shower to begin with. It wouldn’t hurt me in the slightest, i d be home drinking wine waiting for the gossip when he is back

but that’s me, and she is her so i think you should ask her honestly what she thinks and feels about you going and honor whatever she says because well that’s your person now.

OP

Knowing my wife, she will definitely say that I should go. But I also feel that deep down she will feel that I didn’t stuck up for her while she did stuck up for me.

commenter

Why does your brother think his wife owes your wife an apology? She said the comment to you, not your wife.

OP

I think he meant as a general apology to both of us and for escalating the situation. To be fair, I wasn’t really offended. I am not insecure about my looks and I am glad that my SIL finds my brother more attractive, that’s the way it should be. But what my SIL said did kind of offend my wife and hence, the stupid argument.

Update Feb 12th, 2025

TLDR at the bottom.

Thanks, everyone, for the replies! I think I read almost every single one. I really appreciated the different perspectives.

First, some clarifications:

1. My wife is NOT a mean person. She made a joke in the moment, although I admit that it wasn’t a great joke given the sensitivity of the situation. But she’s genuinely one of the kindest, most caring people I know. That’s one of the reasons I love her so much.
2. I don’t think my brother did anything wrong by bringing up the topic. We were reminiscing about childhood, and he probably got nostalgic about having his little brother following him everywhere. My brother and I resemble each other quite a bit, though he’s definitely the better-looking one (funny how that works). And just to be clear, that doesn’t mean I’m insecure. If anything, he’s the outlier—he’s one of those people who naturally turns heads. Even when we were younger, he’d get random girls hitting on him wherever he went. It was such a running joke in our family that even my parents would tease him about it.
3. The entire conversation lasted less than 5 min and escalated very quickly. I agree with the comments that all of us should have handled the situation better. But easier to say that in hindsight. In real time, things just got out of hand very quickly. I am sure that all of us regret what we said in the moment.

Now for the actual update.

I told my wife that I wouldn’t go unless she was also invited. She immediately told me that she didn’t want to be the reason I missed it and that I should go if I wanted to. She even said she’d be willing to apologize if my SIL was open to it, but that she wouldn’t attend even if reinvited because she’d feel uncomfortable.

I told her I appreciated that, but for me, it was both of us or none of us.

Then I called my brother.

And this is where I have to give him a lot of credit—because I know he was upset. He had really wanted me there, and I could hear the disappointment in his voice. But instead of pushing, he just said: “I get it, man. Don’t worry about it.”

I know that wasn’t easy for him to say. He had to balance keeping things calm with his wife while also wanting his brother by his side. But he didn’t guilt-trip me, didn’t try to convince me otherwise—he just let me make my choice. He even said, “Don’t worry, we’ll save you guys some food and I’ll drop it off later.” I offered to help with setup if he needed it, and told him to say I have COVID to avoid awkward questions. He just laughed and said: “Got it! You caught the world’s shortest COVID—just long enough for the baby shower but miraculously recovered the next day.”

Now, here’s where things got a bit more complicated: my mom was NOT happy with him for not sorting this out earlier. She felt like he should have stepped in and made peace before it got to the point where my wife was uninvited. But my parents didn’t say anything directly because they didn’t want to get involved in the drama.

I think that really weighed on him. He was already trying to navigate a tough situation, and now he had our parents silently judging him too. It put him in an impossible position—trying to be a good husband, a good brother, and a good son all at once.

A couple of days passed with no further drama. Then something unexpected happened—my wife got a call from my SIL.

At first, my wife panicked, thinking she was about to get yelled at. But instead, they actually had a really good conversation. I overheard bits of it, including my wife saying, “No, you’re gorgeous!” which made me laugh a little.

After the call, my wife told me that SIL actually apologized first.

She admitted that she’d been feeling really self-conscious about her looks during pregnancy and that my wife’s joke had hit a sore spot.

A little later, my brother called me.

He told me that he had gently talked to SIL and helped her see that things had gotten out of hand. He also told me that knowing my wife was willing to apologize had made a huge difference.

And then, he admitted something: he had wanted to fix things before the baby shower, but he knew his wife was already under a lot of stress. He didn’t want to add more pressure on her while she was in the middle of planning.

And honestly? I respect that.

My SIL is one of those people who needs everything to be perfect—her look, my brother’s look, the house, the decorations, etc. So I can understand the pressure she must have put on herself. And my brother knew that pushing her while she was stressed wouldn’t have helped, so he waited. And after the event, when things calmed down, he quietly stepped in and fixed things.

So where do things stand now?

Things seem good on the surface. My wife and SIL made peace, and my brother and I are fine. My wife and I have decided to just be extra sensitive around SIL given what she is going through. All in all, the situation seems to have brought us somewhat closer together.

The real takeaway: I have …

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