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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2025-02-21 01:54:47+00:00.

I am not OOP. OOP is u/xxoraclexx33  and they posted in r/AmItheAsshole and r/AITAH

 

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

 

Original BORU posted by me on June 10, 2024

 

New Update will be marked with

–NEW UPDATE–

 

AITA for not allowing my fiancés BF to come to our wedding? May 9, 2024

My fiancĂ© and I have been together just under 6 years (dated 3, engaged 2.5). Great relationship relatively, our friends & family all get along well with the other person, no issues at all
 EXCEPT for one of my partner’s best friends.

Said best friend has never liked me and seemingly had it out for me the entire time. She basically ignores my existence and refuses to speak or be cordial to me, but as soon as she sees my partner, she yells and hugs him saying “Hey best friend!” while ignoring me even though I’m right next to him.

I told him about it & how it made me feel & at first it went unaddressed 2-3 more times because he “needed proof” to make sure there was an issue. After said “proof” was present he spoke to her about it & she got a little better, but only around groups of people and like twice. She indicated she didn’t have a problem with me, so he felt I was the only one having an issue and I need to just approach her and talk it out. I told him I’m not doing that cause she isn’t my friend and HE needs to do so.

A couple of weeks ago we attended a mutual friend’s party. I attempted to make eye contact and say hello 2-3 times but she avoided me and refused to look at me the whole time. My fiancĂ© noticed because it was so blatant. I don’t want her respect, don’t need her to like me, and don’t honestly want her around at all, I just want her to have basic human decency.

This situation has caused me to rethink my relationship and end it because I feel my fiancĂ© is in the wrong for engaging with her after seeing how she completely disregards me. I think now but mostly after marriage we’re supposed to be a unit and I wouldn’t allow this behavior from a friend.

I’ve been feeling like an asshole because we spent the better half of a nice drunken evening arguing about this, and I told him she can’t come to our wedding, as I won’t have someone who can’t seem to stand me near me. AITA for telling my fiancĂ© she can’t come to our wedding?

 

The Consensus Bot recorded the votes as Not the A-Hole.

 

Relevant Comments:

Couette-Couette:

NTA but I am surprised that you decided to marry someone who allows such behaviour toward you.

OOP:

I don’t want to ruin what has otherwise been the healthiest and best relationship in my life but I’ve been thinking on it hard
 because where are the boundaries?

deleted user:

Nta. She’s in love with your man. Upset that he’s with you and pretending like you don’t exist makes her feel better. She won’t say or do anything to make him upset. 

She’s saying she has no problem with you is because the problem isn’t with you technically it’s with him.

She was hoping for her romantic movie moment when the male bsf finally realizes and falls for his female bsf. 

OOP:

Tbh this what my best friend and a select few ppl I told about this a while ago. There were times on social media where she indicated she was the ideal woman for him / that he needs someone like her

deleted user:

NTA for not allowing the bff to come to the wedding, but you are the a-hole for still wanting to marry the guy.

Your man doesn’t respect you or he would have put his foot down with the bff after he saw the way she continued to disrespect you after he said something to her.

Do you honestly think just by not inviting her to the wedding will change anything? She’s still going to be a pain in the butt after you get married. Then there will be more hoops to go through when you end up divorcing because of her.

OOP:

Wow 😭😭😭 that was an unexpected twist lol. You’re right tho. I’ve been seriously evaluating our relationship and how this one thing is jeopardizing it. I don’t want to give it up but it does come across as disrespectful and just not presenting as a unified front

 

UPDATE: AITA for not allowing my fiancés BF come to our wedding? June 2, 2024

Original post: 

Original BLUF: I told my fiancĂ© his best friend couldn’t come to our wedding. She pretends I don’t exist & he does nothing to address it.

The comments on my original post opened my eyes and made me realize that despite this being the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, it doesn’t mean it’s actually healthy. We’ve had a couple of conversations surrounding this issue, which mostly consisted of me saying it bothered me & him saying I was the only one who cared.

A couple of things helped me realize my breaking point-

  1. I asked him if he would be okay with our daughter’s future partner treating them like this, to which he got flustered, shut down, and said he didn’t want to talk about it. (I left it alone)
  2. He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife, since he didn’t as his girlfriend.

The final straw was when I expressed how much it bothered me that he wanted me to blow this off since we, as in me & the best friend, only see each other 4-6 times a year & he said (directly quoted because this is burned into my brain): “I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”

“It could be worse. She could be more active. There are worse ways to meddle, people text and lie, and all that to break relationships up.”

The first line broke my heart and told me all I needed to know. I had to truck through a couple more months of pre-planned & paid for social engagements, but I closed the curtain on any chance of healing this relationship the moment those words left his mouth.

Thank you everyone for the advice, common sense, knocking me upside my head, and similar related experiences & outcomes.

I’m gonna go to therapy & redefine what a healthy, balanced, and communicative relationship is.

EDIT: the preplanned events aren’t wedding/ engagement related. We share a home and need to divide assets, pets, and a custody schedule. Additionally, we have vacations, planned with a mutually shared friend group (bf is not part of that group). I appreciate the concerns but I need to plan things out a little more. There will be no second chance.

To those that keep saying they’re fucking–probably. When I first brought this up, he became stressed & kept emphasizing how I thought he was fuckin his best friend and didn’t address the issue that was brought up. I don’t care to know or confirm.

EDIT 2: We are NOT getting married, continuing our relationship. For those thinking I’m using the preplanned events to justify holding out–absolutely f*ckin not. Our relationship was dead the moment he admitted she treated me like garbage, and basically shrugged it off.

As a note- I NEVER asked him to cut anyone off, out of his life. I simply asked for basic greetings & acknowledgment during the rare encounters with his BFF. This hasn’t happened, aside from a couple of begrudging times.

FINAL EDIT: I tried asking him the “what would you tell your daughter to do” question. He answered that if she loved her partner, she shouldn’t care about outside ppl. Additionally, he said he was tired of talking about it, he feels he’s done all he can, and he doesn’t want us(me) to bring her up because he’s tired of talking about it. I told him our relationship is done [in] September (when our lease is up etc), apologized for bringing it up, and asked if he wanted to be alone for the evening.

Thank you everyone for helping me realize I wasn’t asking for too much. I really thought he was the one for me, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m tired & I want better for myself. I’m ok with being alone.

I appreciate you all. Have a good night.

 

Relevant Comments:

Scenarioing:

“I know the way she treats you is garbage, but you’re allowing one person to dictate our relationship.”

—HE is the one doing that.

canyonemoon:

“It could be worse. She could be more active” -> she hasn’t actually said she wanted to sleep with him yet.

Polish_girl44:

She doesnt have to say that, they probably did it and not once. Thats why she is so confident about her role in his life

Scenarioing:

"He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect 


Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1iufhcy/new_update_aita_for_not_allowing_my_fiancés_bf/

  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    1·
    1 day ago

    Scenarioing:

    “He said he didn’t want to end his friendship or do anything to jeopardize it because “what if we break up.” This made me realize he would not protect me as his wife”

    —Yep. The friend comes before you.

    CrazyOldBag:

    Don’t worry about the planned and prepaid events. Get out. Now. The relationship is dead; don’t wait until the stench kills everyone around you. If the money is lost no matter what, skip on out and give yourself the gift of more time to heal and deal.

    Good luck, OP. You can do this!

    Worth-Two7263:

    Why do you have to truck through any pre-planned events? Honey, nothing is worth losing the time and space you will gain by bowing out now. He’s made clear that you are second, at best, in his life. Losing money is not fun, but losing time - the time you could be using to heal - is the best gift you can give yourself. Be kind to yourself first.

    –NEW UPDATE–

    AITAH for not allowing my finances’ bff attend our wedding - FINAL UPDATE August 31, 2024

    Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ph0ln6I44a

    First Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/hchaElEubB

    Original BLUF: I told my fiancĂ© his best friend can’t come to our wedding. She pretends I don’t exist & he does nothing to address it.

    My ex-fiancĂ© did begin to make an effort to include me and make sure I was addressed during group events, even though we’d already separated.

    Throughout the summer we had many conversations - not in hopes of reconciling, but mostly to make sure he truly understood the cause of our breakup.

    While drunk he apologized for his messy & toxic friends, said he needed to reevaluate his friendships and apologized for bringing them into my life.

    He changed his tune in later sober convos - I was met with continued excuses and my POV/ feelings being brushed off : “this isn’t that big of a deal, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I have friends that have done worse”

    The explanation/ insight I received is that the best friend was a side piece(knowingly) for like 7-10 years(guy had a baby, and brought his baby mother a house, car, and basically got married, all while stringing the friend along)
 and as a result the bff has since always asserted herself as being the “most important” woman in her male friends lives.

    All in all, just going to go to therapy, heal some shit, move on. I’m starting piano lessons soon, and taking a language class to pass my free time. Also focusing on cooking again & moving my body. I’m going to lose about 40-50lbs

    Thanks everyone for commenting,offering solutions & alternative POV, including those who felt I was making a big deal out of nothing and that I was trying to make her be friends with me(never wanted that). I felt crazy for a while, but I’m thankful for the random strangers on Reddit confirming I’m not.

    Relevant Comments:

    ayymahi:

    I kept up with your post & that man’s an idiot!

    Threw everything away for a friend like that
to me theirs more than what he’s saying & I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up together! But it’s done now he’s not your problem he’s hers. Onward & upward

    Ginger630:

    I’m so glad you broke up with him. Now go NC. Stop communicating. You only have to explain once why you dumped him. If he doesn’t understand, that isn’t your problem.

    And she wants to be the most important woman in her guy friends’ lives?! Omg lmao! They’re either all going to be single or they’re going to drop her one by one as they get girlfriends and wives.

    AlarmingResist3564:

    God that friend sounds HORRIBLE. Knowingly helps someone cheat for a freaking decade, then decides she has to be the most important woman in every male friend’s life?? Who the F would want someone like that in their life?! Enjoy your life without them in it!

    OOP:

    That’s what I said, but I minded my business. Apparently the side piece relationship she was just the other woman technically but he wasn’t actually dating anyone. So idk if it’s cheating but still- i wouldn’t want that for myself. No self respect

    Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.