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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-02-22 05:02:10+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_Sout9042

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (68F) mother was given away for adoption. Now her (69M, 72M, 65F) bio-siblings are asking her to care for her (96F) bio-mother.

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, abandonment

Original Post: February 12, 2025

I (35F) grew up in the U.S., born and raised in Austin, Texas. My father (70M) is Canadian, and my mother (68F) is Greek. Every summer, we vacationed in Greece with my maternal grandparents.

When I was 25, my parents retired and moved permanently to Greece after my mother inherited a house and a significant amount of money from her mother when she passed away. That’s when things took a strange turn.

During the last few months of my grandmother’s life, my mom went to Greece to care for her, as she was no longer able to take care of herself. In her final days, my grandmother revealed a shocking secret: my mom was adopted. She wasn’t the biological child of the parents who raised her. Instead, she was the daughter of my grandmother’s cousin. Apparently, in Greece, decades ago, it was common for struggling families with many children to give a baby to a relative who couldn’t have kids.

My mother was devastated. She grieved the fact that she never knew her real family and that no one ever told her. After my grandmother passed, she decided to move to Greece to reconnect with the biological family she never met. She traveled to the region where her biological mother lived and met her for the first time, along with two older brothers and a younger sister.

Her oldest brother was especially emotional because he vaguely remembered the day they gave my mother away as a baby. But from the start, my mom was hurt that none of them had ever tried to find her. Their excuse was that she had moved to the U.S., and it was difficult to track her down, while her biological mother said she had made a pact with her cousin (my adoptive grandmother) never to reveal the truth. The entire village had been told that my mom had died as a baby, so no one ever questioned it.

For the past ten years, my parents have lived in Greece, and my mom has built a close relationship with her siblings. However, her relationship with her biological mother has remained distant and formal. She never got over the fact that this woman kept all her other children but gave her away—likely because she was a girl. At the time, boys were valued more because they worked the fields and contributed to the family’s income, whereas girls were seen as a burden.

Two years ago, I was able to move to Greece as well, since the parents who raised my mom left her a sizable inheritance. It allowed us to live comfortably, and honestly, I preferred the lifestyle here. We live in a beautiful place near the capital, and life is peaceful.

Now, here’s the issue. My mom’s biological mother is now 96 years old and in very poor health. Her biological father passed away decades ago due to political circumstances. Her two older brothers (her sister lives abroad) have been taking care of their mother, but they are exhausted. Their wives are complaining, tensions are rising, and at a recent family gathering, they told my mom that she should also help take care of their mother because it’s “unfair” that they are doing it alone.

My father was furious when he heard this and told my mother to cut them off entirely. My mom refuses to take care of this woman—she doesn’t love her, doesn’t feel any emotional connection to her, and can’t forgive her for abandoning her. My mom is not close to this woman’s and of course she has no legal claim to any inheritance from this family.

However, she has truly enjoyed her relationship with her siblings and their children and doesn’t want to lose that. She’s feeling pressured, though, and she’s deeply upset by their demands.

When I found out, I was livid. How dare these people ask this of my mother, knowing full well that she was abandoned and that no one even attempted to find her? I feel like they’re manipulating her, and she’s unable to see how unfair this is.

I’m getting married in a month to my fiancĂ© (who is Greek and fully supportive of me), and I am seriously considering uninviting all of them from the wedding. I want to send a clear message that we don’t want contact with them anymore. However, my mother is hesitant—she doesn’t want to escalate things, even though she’s hurting.

I feel like she’s not as attached to these people as she thinks. She’s mourning the idea of the family she never had rather than truly loving these people. And I hate seeing her being taken advantage of.

I always idealized Greece and the strong bonds of family, but now I see that’s not always the case. I’m so disappointed by all of this.

What would you do in this situation? Would you cut them off? Would you disinvite them from the wedding? How can I help my mother navigate this?

(This is a throwaway account because I’m very active on Reddit and don’t want people to know my personal business).

Edit: I forgot to mention something I think is important. My mom suggested they find a senior care facility to put her biological mother in. She even offered to pay a quarter of the price. My biological uncles were “offended” because they said it was disrespectful to their mother to put her in a nursing home. (Another Greek thing). Although they are generally financially comfortable, a quarter for a good structure can mean 400-500€/person per month.Which, by Greek standards, is enough. I think their idea of “help” is taking her biological mother home for a few months.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your mom doesn’t owe her anything, and her siblings are being unfair. Cutting them off completely might be extreme if she still values the relationship, but she should set firm boundaries. For the wedding, if their presence would stress you or your mom out, uninvite them. If you’d rather keep things neutral, that’s fine too. Do what feels right for you both

Commenter 2: Likely the sons are tired of taking care of mom and I’m betting their wives are complaining the most. Wives are “what is this new daughter doing? She should help.” Heaven only knows how much “help” they think your mom should do. It is a slippery slope with no good outcome. Creating distance and firm boundaries between your mom and new siblings is best.

OOP: That’s my thought exactly. I am having second thoughts and surely some comments gave me some perspective but that’s my main thought.

Commenter 3: Where is this woman’s grandkids? That woman had 3 kids that she kept. They all have spouses and kids. Why are they not stepping up? Why is it your mother, that she gave away like a bag of bread, the one who has to now step forward and take care of this woman?

OOP: That’s another Greek thing I suppose. My bio uncles won’t ask their children for help, their whole life is dedicated to helping them so it’s not common for grandkids to take elders in and care for them. I avoid all of them so I am not sure what their plans are. Their discussion happened only a few days ago and my mom hasn’t responded yet. But me (and Mt dad) are furious and I don’t like the idea of helping her in any way


Commenter 4: It’s your wedding your choice. But it does sound like your mum does want a relationship with her bio siblings. And if you do uninvite them PLUS mum saying she won’t help financially/physically to look after bio mum. Sadly I’m sure they’ll cut her off. Which is sad.

I understand your mum being hurt by what her bio mum did. Was it a financial reason as not to keep her? As it sounds like they had the 2 boys already? But equally, she went on to have and KEEP another little girl after your mum. So that must be upsetting. I would also be very angry they’d led everyone to believe I’d died at birth!! I know different religions/cultures etc do things differently. I can totally understand if she couldn’t cope, then of course give your mum a better life. Which sounds like she definitely had! BUT to then keep another child after and lead everyone to believe I’d died out of embarrassment for getting rid of me
 I’d be upset. Very upset.

OOP: At first I thought that it was for financial reasons but turns out that isn’t the case. As I was informed by other Greeks, it was a common thing to do when some family member couldn’t conceive. My grandma and grandpa couldn’t have children, they were visiting that village from the u.s. and when my bio-grandma gave birth to my mom they asked for her. My bio-grandma was working hard in the fields and she thought it was a good thing to help her cousin. That’s why she had another baby after my mother. They were good financially and they still have enough money etc. it sounds completely crazy to me but apparently families did that. Which is something that bothers me from my grandma as well. She went to a family and requested a child and just took her away? I don’t know it seems insane to me

Commenter 5: It sounds like in Greek culture, girls are


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  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    1·
    1 day ago

    Commenter 5: It sounds like in Greek culture, girls are a burden in the early years when they can’t tend the fields, but a boon in the later years when they provide elder care. This was a calculation her bio mom made, and these are the results.

    OOP: Honestly everyday I am learning something new about Greek culture. As a child who only came here for vacation, I thought everything in Greece was wonderful, people were great, funny, families were huge and spent time together. But as time goes by, I understand that there are many pathologies and things are far from ideal.

    OOP explains more about the life in Greece’s village

    OOP: In Greece’s villages women worked really hard. They didn’t have water or electricity etc. my bio-grandma had a maid in her house. But still she would help my grandpa and her brothers just like any other woman in the village when they were harvesting smoke from their lands etc. she would walk to the river to wash clothes, she cooked for 7 people (children husband in laws) etc. but they were a rich family. They owned a lot of land, they afforded to have people working for them, they managed to send their children to universities. It was very uncommon for Greece in the 50s and 60s, especially in villages.

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      1·
      1 day ago

      Update: February 15, 2025 (three days later)

      Update!

      Hey y’all! First of all, thank you so much for all the responses to my previous post. I decided to share it with my mom and let her read your comments. She was really moved by the similar stories some of you shared.

      This led to a deep conversation between us. Over the past few years, my mom has learned a lot about her adoption. Unfortunately, my bio-grandma was not a good person. The wife of one of my bio-uncles (let’s call her Maria) sat my mom down a few years ago and told her everything.

      Turns out, my bio-grandma was a very strict and spiteful woman who treated the people who worked for her horribly. She never wanted daughters and even tried to give away her other daughter, but that adoption fell through, so she kept her. My bio-aunt went through a really tough time growing up and that’s why she moved abroad. Her brothers never supported her the way they should have, and they even cheated her out of part of her inheritance. Maria is now thinking about leaving her husband since their kids are grown, and she doesn’t want to stay married to a man she knows isn’t a good person.

      As for my mom, she never felt a bond with her bio-mother. But after hearing everything from Maria, she’s decided she doesn’t want much contact at all. She knows exactly what kind of people her bio-brothers are and never wanted a super close relationship with them (they’re not in daily contact anyway), but she does feel attached to her nieces, nephews, and their wives. That’s the main reason she hasn’t cut ties completely.

      My mom has decided she will help financially but won’t take bio-grandma into her home. She’s doing it mainly to support her bio-sister, who is under pressure from their brothers to care for their mother. My mom has tried to get closer to her bio-sister over the years, but her sister has kept her distance. She explained that she has deep trauma from growing up with their mother and wants to maintain some emotional space. But she’s still happy they met.

      This past Christmas, my bio-aunt came to Greece and stayed at our house. I wasn’t there because I was visiting friends in the Netherlands, but my mom and her sister spent time together, and it brought them closer. My aunt told my mom to cut off her brothers completely and even invited her to move to her country. She has made it clear she wants only a formal relationship with the rest of the family—except for my mom, whom she loves dearly.

      (Side note for the skeptics: My aunt is financially independent and comfortable. She has never asked my mom—or anyone else—for anything.)

      I had no idea about most of this because my mom didn’t want me to see my uncles in a bad light. She still thinks she’ll keep some minimal relationship with them, but she’s especially close with a few of her nieces and nephews and doesn’t want to lose that.

      One of my cousins (Maria’s son) even confided in my mom that he wants to cut ties with his father. When my bio-uncle asked my mom for help, this cousin—who’s only 25—pulled her aside and told her to stay away and not give them anything because they don’t deserve it. That really got to me. It showed me that not everyone in this family is selfish or manipulative.

      I actually have a good relationship with this cousin. He gets along great with my fiancé since they work in the same field. After learning all this, I met up with him last night, and we talked. He has moved out on his own but still keeps some contact with his dad, mainly because he wants to wait until Maria leaves before cutting ties completely.

      He told me that his father and uncle inherited a lot of wealth and never really had to work. They started some businesses, but when they struggled, they took large sums of money from bio-grandma and other relatives. Now they’ve recovered and live comfortably—but they never paid back what they owe. My cousin is ashamed of his family’s actions and doesn’t want to be judged for them. He also believes they are trying to financially exploit my mom. Because he cares about her and really respects my parents, he warned them not to get involved.

      After everything, my parents and I made a decision: My mom will give one lump sum of money for her bio-mother’s care. Whether they put her in a nursing home or hire a caregiver is their problem. She will also have a final talk with her brothers to make it clear that she is not taking care of their mother because that woman was never a mother to her.

      When Maria manages to get divorced (which my parents want to support her through), we expect the relationship with the brothers to fall apart. My mom is still sad that she never found the ideal family she imagined, but she feels lucky to have her sister, Maria, and her nephew, whom she truly loves.

      As for the wedding, we decided to invite them to avoid unnecessary drama.

      That’s the update for now! I truly appreciate all the comments and support. I feel sorry for those who have gone through similar painful experiences, and I hope no one has to go through this again.

      (P.S. Someone in the comments—probably a Greek—suggested that my bio-grandpa might have died for political reasons because he was fighting against the Nazis. Unfortunately, it was the exact opposite. My bio-grandparents were right-wing extremists at a time when the left-right conflict in Greece led to suffering and deaths. A lot of their wealth came from unethical means.)

      Lastly, I feel terrible for ever doubting my grandparents—the ones who actually raised my mom. They were amazing, kind, and compassionate people who helped so many others in the U.S. Everything they had was earned through hard work. I’m so grateful they adopted my mom, and I wish they had also taken in my aunt.

      Thank you again, everyone! If I have another update, I’ll be back!?

      Relevant Comments

      Commenter 1: She’s still being taken advantage of. They will ask for more money. It’s always the same story: the brothers get money and the one taking care of the elders is someone who has nothing to do with those swindlers.

      OOP: No really my mom knows what she is doing. She will give an amount of money If they agree to never ask her such a thing. The amount will be relatively small (around 3000€) and she is ready to cut them off entirely if they ever mention anything again. It’s not the ideal solution for me either, but I am glad my mother met Maria and I want her to be safe. The reason I came here on reddit in the firSt place was the fact that I didn’t want my mom to get hurt. Now I know she understands what types of people her bio-brothers are so I am ok with whatever decision she makes.

      Commenter 2: Do you trust the uncles to actually use the money for grandma’s care? I feel like they might just pocket it and claim your mom didn’t help.

      OOP: Νο, I do not trust them but neither me nor my mother really care if they will actually help their bio-grandma. My mom has already spoken with maria and her sister and they are aware of her next move. She wants to give the money to help those poor wives taking care of their mother in law who made their life a living hell
 I am so happy my mother knows everything about her bio-brothers. That was my concern in the first place.

      Commenter 3: Why are you still inviting them to your wedding? How will that avoid drama?

      OOP: Well my wedding is in less than a month. They are already invited. If I take back the invitation they will for sure become offensive (atthe very least). I genuinely want their wives there (especially after learning the truth about their lives and their opinions in the situation) and my cousins. Some of cousins are relatively young and still attached to their fathers so there is a good chance they will be offended for uninviting their fathers. So we decided to keep them invited to avoid all these things. My mom plans to talk to them about the money etc after the wedding (we have a loooot to organize till then anyway), but if they pressure more for an answer earlier there is a good chance they will not attend anyways.

      Commenter 4: Why would she give them anything if they have all that money? Makes no sense to me.

      OOP: Well my mom is in a significantly better position compared to her bio-brothers. She wants to give some money in order for them to sort out what they are going to do (a house nurse or a nursing home). The main reason she decided to do that is to help maria. She is the one doing most of the caring. She needs some time to organize things about her divorce but she is always busy. Another reason is that a part of her still feels bad about her brothers. She does realize that they are not exactly good people and she doesn’t care losing them if they won’t respect her boundaries, but she did tell me that they didn’t have any chances to become better people. So she kinda feels like she can give them some money in order to help them have some options with their mother, maybe enough for a down payment for a nursing home. She does recognize that she is not obligated to do so, but that’s what she wants to do. I am not a huge fan of the idea, but I do support her.

      DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

      THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP