Basically, several months ago, I had an online friend group when I was too shy to make IRL friends beyond my friend group. It was a Discord server for mental health support (or well, teens struggling with their mental health). They would make jokes and act friendly, so I felt comfortable around them.
Well, āZachā started making snarky comments and making me the butt of the joke, which made everyone else join in. He would make fun of me for talking about my interests sometimes or sending memes related to my interests even when his girlfriend āElizaā or his friend āNikkiā would do it all the time with TADC or Deltarune.
One time, Zach kept spamming the group chat, and he got really mad at me for saying āhiā because it āinterrupted his spammingā.
Another time, he told me to go fuck myself and that no one liked me for mentioning a character I liked when the group chat was dead and no one was talking and I even said āIām going to rant about this character again, sorry but donāt interact if that makes you uncomfortable.ā They also damaged my self-esteem and made me overly apologetic.
I said I was leaving the server and someone said āOk bye lol youāre so sensitiveā.
My friend stepped in and told Zach to stop, and Zach said he hated me, I was a bad person, and everything was my fault so my friend couldnāt blame him.
Someone commented that my friend still was in the server, so he left. Then, Eliza kept messaging me to come back and said āItās not that we hate you, itās that youāre annoying, have no social skills, you suck, you act disabled, etc.ā
I got mad and stopped messaging for a while, and she said āNo seriously come back, we love youā
Then Zach told my friend āWe donāt hate Monica (me), we just never liked her and prefer she stay away from our friend group LOL :) Thanksā
I didnāt talk about my interests often and would only do so when I had the opportunity. They would also be really snarky about it but tell me I could continue to do it. They also discussed their interests all the time, and Zach also always wanted to be the center of attention and would bully me when I didnāt praise him for being a āgreat personā.
Why do I wanna go back? You ask. I want to prove to them that either I can be who they want me to be or I think maybe they changed a little. It hurt really bad, but I do miss everyone who ever wronged me.
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Probably not. From what youāre saying, they were probably assholes to you, and most definitely a toxic influence.
Thereās so many cool places and people. If youāre a nerd join some nerdy servers. Find some equally nerdy people about the music, movie or games you like. Youāll find your people.
I still have mad anxiety but I found a bunch of random friend circles online and offline. You can get there too, just maybe slowly and in other places.
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If you even have to ask, the answer is probably, āno.ā
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Why do you care about proving something to people who obviously donāt care about you? Itās much more productive to ignore people you wouldnāt accept advice from.
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no. those people arent your friends. anyone who tears you down like that doesnt deserve to be in your life. they just miss their punching bag.
I personally would cut connection if people treat me intentionally bad.
(your friend) couldnāt blame (Zach)
What do you mean? Are you saying Zach has a point treating you badly?
I would consider using this āgroupā as a training group to improve social skills or cut ties.
What would remain is what you deem as valid criticism. Work with that, for your own sake.
Zach basically said āyou canāt blame me for hating Monica (me)ā
And thank you. They kicked me out because they didnāt like me so I canāt come back. I could unblock them but they might bully me
Yeah, that seems probably not like a good idea. Iād encourage you to greive the loss and try joining some new spaces and find some folks who treat you better
If you have to ask, then you probably shouldnāt.
Iāve learned to invest in friendships where, the majority of the time, I come away from interactions feeling positively about them and looking forward to the next. Friendships that feel reciprocal.
I have also learned to divest from those where I leave with a negative or otherwise dissatisfied feeling, or where it feels like I am doing the majority of the work to maintain the friendship.
It did take those bad friendships for me to truly appreciate the good ones that I have, but I still wish I hadnāt wasted so much time on them. Life is too short and my free time is limited.
If one person in a group treated me poorly and the others remained silent, I wouldnāt consider the others my friends. Joining in on the mistreatment? Thatās worse.
Ask yourself what standards you have for friendship and donāt settle for less. The time you spend with the wrong people could be inhibiting your chances at connecting with the right ones.
It sounds to me like youāre still hurting and in the process of grieving the loss of being part of a group of friends.
And going back would allow you to stop griefing because it would immediately stop hurting, as there would be no more loss. But, only if you can manage to stay in that group, so either you must change (ābe who they want me to beā) or they need to.
So, what would being āwho they want me to beā look like? Being above the jokes? Going on the offence first? Having a witty rebuttal to everything? How much of you is left in that person? Would it still hurt if they made a joke? Can you even be that person? Ae you willing to be that forever?
And much do they have to have changed? Are you hoping for them to ignore you? Like you? Just make fun of someone else? Interact with you positively? Acknowledge the hurt they caused you? Apologize to you? Approve of you?
These questions will take time to answer. If it is a friend group worth getting back into they will wait for you to be ready, so donāt be in a hurry.
Also, as a last note:
Then, Eliza kept messaging me to come back and said āItās not that we hate you, itās that youāre annoying, have no social skills, you suck, you act disabled, etc.ā
I got mad and stopped messaging for a while, and she said āNo seriously come back, we love youā
It is surprising to me that you only then got angry. Are you perhaps blaming yourself for the behaviour of āZachā and the others towards you?
Or is he to blame and you are justified in your response to the abuse you have had to endure?If you find out that you have turned that anger inwards (towards yourself), you might find alot of peace and healing in pointing that anger towards whomever it rightfully belongs to.
No no šÆ no. Zach sounds like a dick and the others did nothing, making them at least complicit and/or cowardly. You can do better than that.
Thereās no worth in proving anything to them, no worth at all. Instead, follow your interests, be around people who are good and kind, and build yourself back up. They arenāt the whole world.
No. There are plenty of other people out there. Plenty of people who would be kind to you. These people sound horrible.
They are terrible people who should have stood up for you, except maybe the one friend who stepped in. Never go back to a toxic relationship of any kind: you owe them nothing and are not requried to prove anything to them. It does suck to lose a friend group, but you can make or find a new one, one that appreciates you and makes you feel appreciated. Life is too short to spend with abusive people and others who wonāt defend you.
